Peach and the Missing Muffin

It was a typical, retarded day at Smash Manor.

Metaknight’s shoe caught fire, Ike was making out with the fridge, Ganondorf was playing with his pink bunny, Ms. Wuffles, Pit was outside flying around the flagpole, Zelda was trying to imitate an episode of Jackass by jumping from the roof into the pool, and Pikachu was simply trying to eat the sun.

Peach, one of the only sane Smashers in the mansion (the other two being Mewtwo and Snake) went into the kitchen to get a nice chocolate-chip muffin.

She was dreaming of biting into the moist pastry, the crumbs falling to the floor, the chocolatey goodness melting in her mouth, and the satisfaction of knowing that she wasn’t going to gain five extra pounds… Yum!

The princess opened the cabinet and found…

(-INSERT DRAMATIC GASP-)

…an empty plate with a few crumbs on it.

Peach’s lip quivered, her body twitched, she had an eye tic, and then her voice screamed so loud that Diddy Kong fell out of a tree:

“WHO ATE MY MUFFIN?!”

She slammed the cabinet door closed and it exploded as she walked out the kitchen. Marth saw the explosion and said, “Oooh! Pretty colors!”

Peach stomped into the living room and saw Link on the floor snuggling with his sock. The hero kissed the sock and said, “I wuv you, Mr. Sock. You’re so fluffy and you smell like Gain Apple Mango Tango!”

“Link, have you seen my muffin?”

“You’re just so soft…”

“Link?”

“Gimme a kiss, Mr. Sock.”

“My muffin?”

“My precious…”

Peach snatched the sock out of Link’s hand, grabbed a pair of scissors and held it up to the toe of the sock. Link got scared, “No! Don’t hurt her! She’s my wife!”

“Tell me where my muffin is or the sock gets it,” she said firmly.

“Uh, uh, uh… I think Zelda might know! Please, don’t hurt Mr. Sock!” the hero pleaded.

“Thank you, here you go.” She tossed the sock back at him and made her way to the back yard. Link immediately crawled under the sofa and began to snuggle with Mr. Sock again, “There, there… no one can hurt us under here, my sweetie-poo-pie!”

Peach passed by Yoshi and DK, who were arguing over who had the best banana; she passed Mario and Bowser, who were playing patty-cake; and she strolled by Pichu and Jigglypuff, who were trying to trap Pokemon Trainer inside a Pokeball.

Outside, the princess saw Zelda on the roof, who was ready to jump.

“Zelda! Have you seen my muffin?!”

“Not now! I’m ready to become the first Nintendo princess to jump from a roof into a pool!”

Peach looked from her to the pool, “…You’re gonna kill yourself!”

“No, I won’t! I still have three lives left!”

“But--”

“GIMME A TEN!!” Zelda jumped off the roof and sailed through the air… but came up short and landed face first onto the cement, “Ouch…”

The princess looked concerned for her Hylian friend, “Are you alright?”

Zelda lifted her head from the ground and looked at Peach. Her left eye was hanging out of the socket by its optical nerve, “!retteb neeb reveN”

“Oh crap… she’s talking in Backwardish again…”

“…niffum ruoy evah thgim ekI”

“…I can’t understand you, Zelda. Maybe I’ll go talk to Ike about my muffin…” Peach walked back into the mansion.

“…drateR”

xxx--xxx

Peach found Ike in the kitchen… making out with the refrigerator… He only had a shirt on with boxers and was stroking the side of the appliance.

“Ike, have you seen my muffin?”

“Can’t you see I’m busy?!”

“...Yeah… not that I care… Have you seen my muffin?”

“No! Now get out! I’m about to make this fridge mine!”

“……….” Peach grabbed a dish off the counter and tossed it at his head. It broke and Ike had stars in his eyes, “…I’m flying like a chimp!!” Then he fell on the floor flat on his face.

Peach groaned irately and muttered, “…Maybe I’ll go talk to Pikachu…”

xxx--xxx

On the balcony outside, Pikachu was standing the railing with a fork in his hand.

“Pikachu, have you seen my muffin?”

“Hold on, I’m just about to eat this delicious Hot Pocket!”

Peach glanced at the “Hot Pocket,” “…..That’s the sun.”

“No, it’s not! It’s a Hot Pocket!”

The princess randomly grabbed a Hot Pocket from out of OoT Link’s pocket and showed it to the Pokemon, “This is a Hot Pocket.”

Pikachu looked at the real Hot Pocket in Peach’s hand, “You idiot! That’s a SPORK!”

“………” Peach decided to go and ask someone else.

She went back in the mansion and went into Dr. Mario’s office:

“CANCER?!” Samus screamed at the top of her lungs, “WHAT DO YA MEAN, CANCER?!”

“According to your exam, it seems you’ve been exposed to too much radioactive products in your adventures…” said the doctor.

“…Crud.”

Peach had a O.o expression, “…Moving on…” She then passed Metaknight’s room:

“Roy! Did you set my shoe on fire, AGAIN?!”

Roy was ready to have a freak-out, “Uh… I love you!”

Metaknight pulled out his sword, “That’s not gonna work this time!”

Roy bolted out of the room with the small puffball chasing him.

“…Okay…”

Peach then came to Ganondorf’s room, where Vaati, Dark Link, and Midna were videotaping the King of Evil, “What are you guys doing?”

“Check it out. Ganondorf’s playing with pink bunnies!” Dark Link whispered to Peach. The princess looked in the room and sure enough, there was Link’s arch nemesis… playing with a pink bunny.

“Ms. Wuffles, I wuv you so much!” the evil king mused, petting the bunny.

“…It’s official: all the Zelda people are crazy…”

“HEY!!” shouted the three videotapers.

“………”

“I got an idea! Let’s put this up on Youtube!” suggested Midna.

Peach decided to run outside away from the nutcases. She walked by Fox and Sonic, who were arguing:

“I hate you stupid blue furries!”

“…You have fur, too, stupid…”

Fox glared at him, then kicked him off a random cliff.

Suddenly: “GAME! ….THIS GAME’S WINNER IS… FOX!”

Peach blinked, then continued walking until she came to the flagpole in the middle of the yard. She saw Pit flying around the top of pole.

“Pit! Have you seen my muffin?!”

Pit flew down and landed in front of Peach, “Sorry, I haven’t seen it…”

Peach sighed, “Oh well, I can always make another one and—hey… why are there crumbs around your mouth?”

He brushed off the crumbs and said, “Nothing…”

“And why do you have an empty muffin wrapper in your hand?”

“…No reason.”

“…And why do you smell like chocolate?”

“………”

Peach put it all together, “….YOU ATE MY MUFFIN, DIDN’T YOU?!”

Pit laughed nervously and said, “…Bye!” before he ran for his life.

The princess yanked out her parasol and gave chase, “YOU OWE ME A MUFFIN!”

xxx--xxx

Later that day…

“I, Master Hand, find you, Pit, guilty of the charge of Grand Theft Muffin. I sentence you to spend 3 seconds in jail!”

Pit pulled out an orange card from his tunic and showed it to the judge, “Is it okay if I use this?”

Master Hand looked at it, “…This is a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card from Monopoly…”

“So… can I use it?”

“Sure,” Master Hand took the card and gave it to the bailiff.

“Court is adjorned!” (-INSERT GAVEL SOUND-)

Peach, still upset that Pit got off so easily, sank her teeth into her new muffin and sighed, “Best muffin of my life!”